Sometimes, you gotta be stronger than you are...

My dad told me this once, and I normally try to live up to it. The past month has been hard though.

Kevin's been in pain since...well, some type of heavy duty meds have been involved since 2004, but it started before that, even. The accident brought out some more complications, none of which the doctors can be clear on yet. They were offering him stronger meds, which he balked at because of the level of addiction he was afraid he was getting into. Meanwhile, I was trying to do whatever it took to keep him pain free, but hitting a wall when it came to the meds being upped because of his worries. He was getting depressed, I was getting depressed, detached and even angry by varying degrees, all which culminated in HUGE amounts of guilt.

See, it's a little scary trying to take care of someone for a tomboy. We pretty much have NO clue about woman's intuition, so if a guy like Kevin says he's fine, we believe him until he actually makes the pain noises. Then we feel guilty thinking we should have known better or felt some kind of natural urge to protect him or something, which makes us mad ("why didn't you TELL me you were hurting?" or "why'd you do that? It's just gonna hurt MORE!") and THAT leads to the guilt about getting mad at someone in pain.

After talking with him, I came to some heavy realizations about all this:

1. Kevin is actually suffering from CHRONIC pain, not just recurring bouts that have an ending. The pain for him is constant, and in varying degrees. It's not the type that actually gets better (at least, not as yet); there just seem to be good and bad days. This means it's NOT just mind over matter.

2. All Kevin is really supposed to do is sit or lay down and not bend his neck. This means his life is mostly tv and books/computer for a short period. It makes him feel useless and of no help to me as a man, but his independence and stubbornness about doing for himself leaves me with the same feeling as a woman. I know the doctors are right and I really need to make him NOT do things, but I have to keep in mind the destructive thoughts he has about not feeling like he can help me when I remind him NOT to try and clean/make dinner/do laundry, etc.

3. I can't hinge my happiness on how he feels on any given day, or else I'll always be sad and so will he. There are enough opportunities for him to be depressed about pain without me adding to the festivities! :-) It's actually okay for me to find ways to enjoy myself (Comedy Sportz, after school activities, etc.) as well as take care of him.

5. That being said, when I get overwhelmed with trying to be brave for him, it's okay to break down once in a while and cry. It does NOT make me a bad wife. If I don't, I'll get tight and wound up and won't be much good to him, anyway. Supporting someone through pain is taking care of their needs, but NOT wallowing in misery with them. I need to find ways to stay happy to keep his spirits up, too.

So, last weekend afforded me the chance to...well, cry. I think I needed it. I told my mom and she was just sorry it was so hard for both of us. I don't think it occurred to me that I was in a situation to be pitied, too. After all, I wasn't hurting. But, she said it's like being the parent of a child who's sick and you can't help. You're going through an emotional strain that can be just as awful as what the victim is suffering. She's right...your spouse really IS your baby when you don't have kids and I worry about his well being more than anyone else's I know, including my own. I had entirely disregarded my need to let go.

Yay, moms!

Next step...talk to her about where SHE'S currently going wrong. She and my brother aren't talking and I've woken up two nights in a row now with answers why and explanations that ought to be made. That'll take a COMPLETELY different blog someday, but not today...!

I WILL get a new blog going for something Walter suggested and Mark named...more on that later, too!

D.