Once again, at Walter's insistence, I've started another blog. This one is just for what he calls "my little rants about songs". Apparently, I crab about music enough that he's had time to CREATE a name for them, but he seems to like it when I do it and thinks the rest of the world might be similarly entertained. I pity any of you who actually agree! :-)
The title for this blog actually came from Mark (Wassamatta U) and Kevin both. Kevin was responsible for Blinded By the Sprite (which he woke up and said to me in the middle of the night and just wouldn't leave my head) and Mark had gone entirely insane using the words "verse" and "stanza" to the point where I HAD to take something he said just to make him take his Ritalin...!
Anyway, you can check it out and let me know what you think: (http://blindedbythesprite.blogspot.com/)
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
Sometimes, you gotta be stronger than you are...
My dad told me this once, and I normally try to live up to it. The past month has been hard though.
Kevin's been in pain since...well, some type of heavy duty meds have been involved since 2004, but it started before that, even. The accident brought out some more complications, none of which the doctors can be clear on yet. They were offering him stronger meds, which he balked at because of the level of addiction he was afraid he was getting into. Meanwhile, I was trying to do whatever it took to keep him pain free, but hitting a wall when it came to the meds being upped because of his worries. He was getting depressed, I was getting depressed, detached and even angry by varying degrees, all which culminated in HUGE amounts of guilt.
See, it's a little scary trying to take care of someone for a tomboy. We pretty much have NO clue about woman's intuition, so if a guy like Kevin says he's fine, we believe him until he actually makes the pain noises. Then we feel guilty thinking we should have known better or felt some kind of natural urge to protect him or something, which makes us mad ("why didn't you TELL me you were hurting?" or "why'd you do that? It's just gonna hurt MORE!") and THAT leads to the guilt about getting mad at someone in pain.
After talking with him, I came to some heavy realizations about all this:
1. Kevin is actually suffering from CHRONIC pain, not just recurring bouts that have an ending. The pain for him is constant, and in varying degrees. It's not the type that actually gets better (at least, not as yet); there just seem to be good and bad days. This means it's NOT just mind over matter.
2. All Kevin is really supposed to do is sit or lay down and not bend his neck. This means his life is mostly tv and books/computer for a short period. It makes him feel useless and of no help to me as a man, but his independence and stubbornness about doing for himself leaves me with the same feeling as a woman. I know the doctors are right and I really need to make him NOT do things, but I have to keep in mind the destructive thoughts he has about not feeling like he can help me when I remind him NOT to try and clean/make dinner/do laundry, etc.
3. I can't hinge my happiness on how he feels on any given day, or else I'll always be sad and so will he. There are enough opportunities for him to be depressed about pain without me adding to the festivities! :-) It's actually okay for me to find ways to enjoy myself (Comedy Sportz, after school activities, etc.) as well as take care of him.
5. That being said, when I get overwhelmed with trying to be brave for him, it's okay to break down once in a while and cry. It does NOT make me a bad wife. If I don't, I'll get tight and wound up and won't be much good to him, anyway. Supporting someone through pain is taking care of their needs, but NOT wallowing in misery with them. I need to find ways to stay happy to keep his spirits up, too.
So, last weekend afforded me the chance to...well, cry. I think I needed it. I told my mom and she was just sorry it was so hard for both of us. I don't think it occurred to me that I was in a situation to be pitied, too. After all, I wasn't hurting. But, she said it's like being the parent of a child who's sick and you can't help. You're going through an emotional strain that can be just as awful as what the victim is suffering. She's right...your spouse really IS your baby when you don't have kids and I worry about his well being more than anyone else's I know, including my own. I had entirely disregarded my need to let go.
Yay, moms!
Next step...talk to her about where SHE'S currently going wrong. She and my brother aren't talking and I've woken up two nights in a row now with answers why and explanations that ought to be made. That'll take a COMPLETELY different blog someday, but not today...!
I WILL get a new blog going for something Walter suggested and Mark named...more on that later, too!
D.
Kevin's been in pain since...well, some type of heavy duty meds have been involved since 2004, but it started before that, even. The accident brought out some more complications, none of which the doctors can be clear on yet. They were offering him stronger meds, which he balked at because of the level of addiction he was afraid he was getting into. Meanwhile, I was trying to do whatever it took to keep him pain free, but hitting a wall when it came to the meds being upped because of his worries. He was getting depressed, I was getting depressed, detached and even angry by varying degrees, all which culminated in HUGE amounts of guilt.
See, it's a little scary trying to take care of someone for a tomboy. We pretty much have NO clue about woman's intuition, so if a guy like Kevin says he's fine, we believe him until he actually makes the pain noises. Then we feel guilty thinking we should have known better or felt some kind of natural urge to protect him or something, which makes us mad ("why didn't you TELL me you were hurting?" or "why'd you do that? It's just gonna hurt MORE!") and THAT leads to the guilt about getting mad at someone in pain.
After talking with him, I came to some heavy realizations about all this:
1. Kevin is actually suffering from CHRONIC pain, not just recurring bouts that have an ending. The pain for him is constant, and in varying degrees. It's not the type that actually gets better (at least, not as yet); there just seem to be good and bad days. This means it's NOT just mind over matter.
2. All Kevin is really supposed to do is sit or lay down and not bend his neck. This means his life is mostly tv and books/computer for a short period. It makes him feel useless and of no help to me as a man, but his independence and stubbornness about doing for himself leaves me with the same feeling as a woman. I know the doctors are right and I really need to make him NOT do things, but I have to keep in mind the destructive thoughts he has about not feeling like he can help me when I remind him NOT to try and clean/make dinner/do laundry, etc.
3. I can't hinge my happiness on how he feels on any given day, or else I'll always be sad and so will he. There are enough opportunities for him to be depressed about pain without me adding to the festivities! :-) It's actually okay for me to find ways to enjoy myself (Comedy Sportz, after school activities, etc.) as well as take care of him.
5. That being said, when I get overwhelmed with trying to be brave for him, it's okay to break down once in a while and cry. It does NOT make me a bad wife. If I don't, I'll get tight and wound up and won't be much good to him, anyway. Supporting someone through pain is taking care of their needs, but NOT wallowing in misery with them. I need to find ways to stay happy to keep his spirits up, too.
So, last weekend afforded me the chance to...well, cry. I think I needed it. I told my mom and she was just sorry it was so hard for both of us. I don't think it occurred to me that I was in a situation to be pitied, too. After all, I wasn't hurting. But, she said it's like being the parent of a child who's sick and you can't help. You're going through an emotional strain that can be just as awful as what the victim is suffering. She's right...your spouse really IS your baby when you don't have kids and I worry about his well being more than anyone else's I know, including my own. I had entirely disregarded my need to let go.
Yay, moms!
Next step...talk to her about where SHE'S currently going wrong. She and my brother aren't talking and I've woken up two nights in a row now with answers why and explanations that ought to be made. That'll take a COMPLETELY different blog someday, but not today...!
I WILL get a new blog going for something Walter suggested and Mark named...more on that later, too!
D.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Well, of course YOU did...!
So, I threw my primary vote to Barrack Obama today. I felt so GUILTY, it wasn't funny. I snuck in there with that same self conscious feeling I get when I'm buying fried chicken in public, the same feeling that makes Kevin the buyer of watermelon in our house instead of me. I can't stand that sensation that people are looking at me going "Well, of course YOU voted for Barrack...he's black and everything!" Like I couldn't POSSIBLY be voting for him because I loved his speech at the National Convention or that I like his moderate attitude or because I think he's got a better chance than the others of wresting power away from the Republican Party.
Think this is a silly thought? While I was visiting Canada back in October, an older couple asked me if I was voting for Hilary or Osama (yes, OSAMA!) I laughed and said, "You mean Obama, right? Because that would be a VERY different election...!" Again, they believed I could only be thinking about voting for the black guy or the woman, regardless of their actual job qualifications. At the time, I was really kinda leaning toward John Edwards (out of defiance, I guess), but it was awkward to only be seen as being so one sided.
Anyway, I'm glad it's over for now. I'll have to wait and see what the polls say. Honestly, though, if it's between John McCain and Barrack Obama, I'll be happy with either one. I'd like to believe that Barrack would be forced into ushering in a new age of change, but John McCain seems to be just as bent on making his party better and has a history of being a maverick as it is. It all works toward the same goal, really.
Think this is a silly thought? While I was visiting Canada back in October, an older couple asked me if I was voting for Hilary or Osama (yes, OSAMA!) I laughed and said, "You mean Obama, right? Because that would be a VERY different election...!" Again, they believed I could only be thinking about voting for the black guy or the woman, regardless of their actual job qualifications. At the time, I was really kinda leaning toward John Edwards (out of defiance, I guess), but it was awkward to only be seen as being so one sided.
Anyway, I'm glad it's over for now. I'll have to wait and see what the polls say. Honestly, though, if it's between John McCain and Barrack Obama, I'll be happy with either one. I'd like to believe that Barrack would be forced into ushering in a new age of change, but John McCain seems to be just as bent on making his party better and has a history of being a maverick as it is. It all works toward the same goal, really.
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