Sleeping With Mom

I had my insemination today, but that's not what sleeping with mom is about (thank goodness for THAT!). The night before, I suddenly PANICKED. I had no idea how to think about things, where to put my mind. Should I be confident, certain that this will work or more guarded, assuming the worst so I wouldn't be disappointed later.

I really worked myself into a frenzy while Kevin slept, so I got up and called my mom in tears. She told me to calm down because regardless of what happened, this was NOT good for making a baby. "You need to make sure that your body is ready for this and staying up crying and feeling sorry for yourself is not going to do it."

"But, Mom, I'm so scared..." I wept.

"Then stop it. Whatever will happen will happen and rather than asking God for what you want, give it to him and let it GO."

What most folks don't realize is when they say they're letting God "take it", they're really asking God for what they want, then hoping he delivers. What you need to do is ask him for the strength to accept whatever is to happen and for the peace of mind in the interim.

After I realized that, she said, "Now, tonight, you go back to bed with your husband, but know that you sleep with me. And I don't want you kickin' and fussin' and carryin' on all night, so get your act together."

Sometimes, when you think you need to just vent, what you really need is a good shaking and then the reminder that you ARE strong and, more importantly, you ARE loved, by the man next to you as well as by a crazy old lady 1400 miles away.

I sleep with unconditional love tonight.

Bun Packin'

Well, it's official. After 5 years of trying, we're finally pregnant (apparently, sleeping with one's mother helps!). My boobs hurt, my abdomen feels like I'm going to start my period every five seconds, but I'm honestly and truly pregnant (plus Celtic Quinn & Sweet Heart made a Little Terror cootie with a baby carving just for us, so now we're having a boxer, too!). I took a blood test back on the 16th of February (2 weeks after my insemination on the 2nd) and it has me very clearly over the HCG levels needed.

Of course, the minute I finally let loose the news at Desperately Seeking Suds (of which I had NONE of, of course!), I start a little spotting and some cramping (sharper than the original stuff I was feeling). Plus the doctor says the HCG levels in my last blood workup didn't have the numbers doubling the way they're supposed to, so now they want me to take another test tomorrow. Apparently being pregnant does not necessarily mean STAYING pregnant.

Worried? Yep.

But, like my mom said, "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." And Kevin keeps reminding me he loves me, no matter what. So I figure I got THAT goin' fer me (watch, now the kid'll turn out to be Bill Murray!)

Kinda weird finally thinking about having a baby, though. Suddenly NOTHING in the house looked like it was suitable to me and EVERYTHING seemed expensive to Kevin ("you know how much these things cost to RAISE???"). I want to do a good job, I want to make sure the kid is happy, healthy, can read well, doesn't get picked on about the interracial thing, smart, good at...everything, especially the stuff that pays well, loves everything, but only gets attached to the things that treat him/her well...so much to demand and so little time...

Plus, you feel like you should be MUCH less demanding of God when he finally grants your fondest wish, but still...oh, human greed and need is a rough taskmaster!

Wish us luck, 'cause we SURE don't need more misfortune! ;-)