We went to the Red Coach Inn in Niagara Falls for dinner Saturday (our 5 year anniversary). The food and wine were great and the evening was shagadelic! ;-) But I should finish up this story...
Okay, so Kevin and I had our horrible first meeting, which ended with him going home to New York bummed out and me staying where I was bummed out. I had left him under the impression that he just wasn't attractive to me, which wasn't the problem at all. I was just too afraid to be involved again seriously, so any little fault I could find, I mentioned it. REally, a full on relationship was just too scary for me. I had broken up with a lot of people that I should never have gotten involved with, but it hadn't changed the fact that each time, I had to make some guy VERY upset, usually enough to make me feel awful for weeks at a time (especially sinces some of them reall went out of their way to make me feel worse when they saw me in public!).
After this one, I was pretty sure that was going to be it for any sort of relationships.
Unfortunately, by this time, I had really gotten used to coming home from work to talk to Kevin online. Suddenly, that was completely gone and my life felt a LOT emptier because of it. By the middle of September, I was missing him terribly and wanted to talk with him, but was afraid of the guilt trip I was sure he was going to give me if I tried. I was still ready to take the chance, though, so I started playing Terris and unblocking my instant messages. Eventually, he talked to me and was TOTALLY cool about everything. He said he was missing our friendship, too, and wouldn't mind staying friends, so long as if I DID find another guy, I didn't tell him about it. I had NO intentions of putting myself through the emotional wringer again, so that was cool with me.
We decided to do what my dad had said and take the time to get to know each other in person. So, I came up to Buffalo for the few days before Thanksgiving of 1997. We met up in Toronto (which is only a few hours from Buffalo) and had this AMAZING weekend! We had dinner with his brother's family, we hung out and had dinner with his friends (some of whom were my friends, too from Terris). While we were in Toronto, he took me to see Phantom of the Opera, we had dinner on this boat on the edge of Lake Erie, we had a hotel room a good 25 stories above the city and it SNOWED, something I hadn't seen in nearly 10 years by that point. I cried like a baby at the flakes and he held me by the window...
Oh, right, we were SUPPOSED to be acting like just friends...!
Friends who are girls, by the way, do not buy lingerie and sleep in it in a romantic hotel room with friends who are boys. This is part of the weird "yes, I want to impress him with my sexiness and feel all tingly, but I don't think I want the guilt that accompanies it" attitude that I have developed after years with other guys and years of being a school reject. So, even though this weekend went well, I still left feeling nervous about being near him. All the sexual tenison for someone like me who'd never done it (and waited until marriage TO do it) was just too much. When I got home, I decided that if this is what guy/girl relationships were all about, I was going to be single forever.
The cool thing about Kevin is that he KNEW something was wrong and, unlike most guys, he actually called me to ask what was wrong. "I know this didn't work out for some reason, so I'm just gonna list all the things we did that could have upset you and you just tell me which one it is. Is it when we hung out with my friends?"
"No," I told him, "that was actually fun."
"Was it when we went to see the Phantom?" And he continued like that until he finally hit the one part that had really done it. "Was it when we were intimate with each other, the kissing and hugging and all that?"
I didn't want him to feel bad, but I had to be honest. "Welllll..." I faltered.
And then he started LAUGHING at me! I was a little shocked, but he finally said, "Oh, hon, if you only knew how small a part of our relationship that is to me, you wouldn't even worry. Look, I want to come visit you for New Year's and I promise, the entire time we're together, that I won't touch you. I'll sleep in the other room, you can have people around all night and all day if you want to keep things light, but I will NOT lay a hand on you, not even if you ask me to."
At that point, I laughed at HIM. "Hey, I know how hard it is for guys to make a promise like that, so I'll understand if you have trouble keeping your end of the bargain. Girls don't have that problem, though, so I'll be fine, trust me!"
Okay, I'll tell you the end later...gotta get to bed!
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Monday, July 12, 2004
My anniversary
In honor of our 5th anniversary this Saturday, I'm finally recapping how Kevin and I met (in PARTS, 'cause this takes a WHILE!).
We actually met online, but not in a chat room. One of my students moved away back in about November of 1996 and he wanted to stay in contact with me. Unfortunately, his parents didn't like IMs, but they liked me, so he showed me a game called Terris, which is a multiuser game a lot like D&D online. You have a character you play and you talk with other people from all over while trying to do quests, earn points, etc. This kid and I played this game together while he talked about problems he was having in school and we worked out his major agression problems that way.
Meanwhile, I started playing the game on my own when he wasn't about and fed my latent Dungeons & Dragons need. I kept earning more levels and meeting more people. It's all text based, so you have to imagine you're an elf or a ranger or whatever going around killing dragons and such, but the best part for me was roleplaying the character I'd created (and since I love acting, I played it up quite a bit)! I figured since I never really got the chance to play and enjoy in high school, I could play in the privacy of my own apartment and not get laughed at! Kevin was actually a friend of a friend in this game that I started to hang out with in about February of 1997 more because he was really good at roleplay, too. Whereas most people would just say hi and use a few of the same old emotes like "_____ waves at you" or "______ laughs heartily", Kevin did what I did and added interesting details to what he said. I remember the way I used to greet every person was with "Naomi flutters up and hovers to peer curiously in your face" (played a sprite, obviously), which at most, had people replying that they pretended to sneeze or brush her away. Kevin replied with "Turlock holds perfectly still, making no sudden moves that would alarm the little sprite as she inspects him." I was amazed that any guy would put that kind of effort in being kind and gentle. We hooked up to adventure almost immediately. He was playing a Highlander type, a big gentle warrior with a big sword and I played a little sprite, constantly in trouble and needing help, even as she thinks she's protecting HIM!
Eventually, we just kept playing until finally, in the game, we let our characters get married. That's when we started to talk in IMs, too. We got married because it seemed like the story of Naomi and Turlock dictated that, but he and I were just two friends who were impressed with each other's writing ability. I was doing improv comedy and teaching just outside of Dallas, TX at the time while he was working at a post office just outside of Buffalo, NY (hope the football team irony isn't lost upon you!). We had a ball talking online and hanging out with our friends in Terris and just making up stories about our characters to play out, so much so that I started to look forward to coming home and getting online with him.
Once summer came, we were really starting to toy with the idea that we might be in love. I had to go away for a month to be an RA for gifted kids taking college courses, so we finally decided we could try talking on the phone, since neither of us could stand to not talk for that long with the other. I told him he could call and if he got stuck for words, he could just say "I have no idea what to say," which would make us both start laughing and talking about how silly we were. The first words I ever heard him say verbally were just that. We cracked up and proceeded to rack up phone bills for the next 2 months that were the equivalent of 4 plane tickets!
Once we figured out it would be cheaper just to meet, he flew down in August '97, just a few days before school started for me. It was a DISASTER! The first day and a half was just us adoring each other, but then I took him to meet my parents, who immediately stressed their concerns, which was to be expected. He actually told them he'dve wondered what kind of parents I had if the WEREN'T worried. I think my dad thought this guy was okay, because he's the one that said the words that ruined everything, "Take your time and get to know each other. Lots of people have met at a distance like this, but now you need to spend the time getting to know one another in person. Don't try and push yourselves into a place you're feeling yet."
I suddenly realized I had declared love for a man I didn't physically know from Adam and got terrified. I told him I wasn't sure about us while we were out eating (to this day, he cringes at the sight of a Boston Market), then told him I was sure I WASN'T in love on the way home, and we both broke down with another day and a half left of his visit.
Okay, let me leave you with this much and write the rest later...this is a LONG story! ;-)
We actually met online, but not in a chat room. One of my students moved away back in about November of 1996 and he wanted to stay in contact with me. Unfortunately, his parents didn't like IMs, but they liked me, so he showed me a game called Terris, which is a multiuser game a lot like D&D online. You have a character you play and you talk with other people from all over while trying to do quests, earn points, etc. This kid and I played this game together while he talked about problems he was having in school and we worked out his major agression problems that way.
Meanwhile, I started playing the game on my own when he wasn't about and fed my latent Dungeons & Dragons need. I kept earning more levels and meeting more people. It's all text based, so you have to imagine you're an elf or a ranger or whatever going around killing dragons and such, but the best part for me was roleplaying the character I'd created (and since I love acting, I played it up quite a bit)! I figured since I never really got the chance to play and enjoy in high school, I could play in the privacy of my own apartment and not get laughed at! Kevin was actually a friend of a friend in this game that I started to hang out with in about February of 1997 more because he was really good at roleplay, too. Whereas most people would just say hi and use a few of the same old emotes like "_____ waves at you" or "______ laughs heartily", Kevin did what I did and added interesting details to what he said. I remember the way I used to greet every person was with "Naomi flutters up and hovers to peer curiously in your face" (played a sprite, obviously), which at most, had people replying that they pretended to sneeze or brush her away. Kevin replied with "Turlock holds perfectly still, making no sudden moves that would alarm the little sprite as she inspects him." I was amazed that any guy would put that kind of effort in being kind and gentle. We hooked up to adventure almost immediately. He was playing a Highlander type, a big gentle warrior with a big sword and I played a little sprite, constantly in trouble and needing help, even as she thinks she's protecting HIM!
Eventually, we just kept playing until finally, in the game, we let our characters get married. That's when we started to talk in IMs, too. We got married because it seemed like the story of Naomi and Turlock dictated that, but he and I were just two friends who were impressed with each other's writing ability. I was doing improv comedy and teaching just outside of Dallas, TX at the time while he was working at a post office just outside of Buffalo, NY (hope the football team irony isn't lost upon you!). We had a ball talking online and hanging out with our friends in Terris and just making up stories about our characters to play out, so much so that I started to look forward to coming home and getting online with him.
Once summer came, we were really starting to toy with the idea that we might be in love. I had to go away for a month to be an RA for gifted kids taking college courses, so we finally decided we could try talking on the phone, since neither of us could stand to not talk for that long with the other. I told him he could call and if he got stuck for words, he could just say "I have no idea what to say," which would make us both start laughing and talking about how silly we were. The first words I ever heard him say verbally were just that. We cracked up and proceeded to rack up phone bills for the next 2 months that were the equivalent of 4 plane tickets!
Once we figured out it would be cheaper just to meet, he flew down in August '97, just a few days before school started for me. It was a DISASTER! The first day and a half was just us adoring each other, but then I took him to meet my parents, who immediately stressed their concerns, which was to be expected. He actually told them he'dve wondered what kind of parents I had if the WEREN'T worried. I think my dad thought this guy was okay, because he's the one that said the words that ruined everything, "Take your time and get to know each other. Lots of people have met at a distance like this, but now you need to spend the time getting to know one another in person. Don't try and push yourselves into a place you're feeling yet."
I suddenly realized I had declared love for a man I didn't physically know from Adam and got terrified. I told him I wasn't sure about us while we were out eating (to this day, he cringes at the sight of a Boston Market), then told him I was sure I WASN'T in love on the way home, and we both broke down with another day and a half left of his visit.
Okay, let me leave you with this much and write the rest later...this is a LONG story! ;-)
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Family
I'm finding that I don't have the strength or patience for extended family gathering, whether they be my side or Kevin's. I lived my entire life with the same 3 people (Mom, Dad & my brother). So, when I hook up with the larger family (not including Kevin), I find myself having to be "on" again, something I can only keep up for a few hours before I need shelter from the storm of mind games, pity parties and everything else that attacks me, the oldest, the friendly one, the funny one. It's not even specific to his side of the family, it's mine, too, which is weird. I'm the one who loves to talk and interact, yet these gatherings (if they last longer than 2 or 3 hours) inevitably have me feeling slightly in shock and much in need of a hug or a good cry.
For example, I had a great Saturday with my sisters-in-law, then suddenly broke down into HYSTERICAL tears when I got home to Kevin...I was HORRIBLY homesick all the sudden, so bad I couldn't breathe or do anything without coughing out more tears! And today was my hubby aunt's birthday and her sisters were there. His one aunt (one we love who stood in for his mother at our wedding) kept alternating between anger and pleading to get us to talk to her sister (his mom), causing me to nearly burst out into tears AGAIN right there. Meanwhile, his mother (whom we will NOT speak to until she's able to tell us she can be a grandmother to our children) goes and whines about how we should come talk to her, but deliberately walks up to talk to another family member she hates JUST because I was talking to her and she wanted to make sure I knew she was ignoring ME! All this at a 90th birthday for another sister who we truly wanted to honor!
So, two big sobbing fits in as many days. This is bad mojo for a tomboy and usually means my period's on it's way, which it is, but also has its roots in basic facts. I know Saturday's tears were because I had so MUCH fun with my sisters-in-law that I remembered how great it was when I was home with just my mom, dad, brother and husband in the cool, calm, wide open spaces of our home in Dallas. Today's tears were brought on by that family stress I'm growing less and less tolerant of. It's not age alone that's doing this to me...I don't think family strife got to me before because I wasn't involved and didn't even understand the social dynamics aspect of it when I WAS involved (or overheard it). Now that I know what's going on, it's harder to deal with, almost like Christmas. Once you understand what's really underneath it all, you get more and more cynical and you find it harder to stay upbeat and willing to participate.
I'm seeing why my father moved away from HIS family now...all those people and all that interaction can REALLY wear on you when you're not used to it.
For example, I had a great Saturday with my sisters-in-law, then suddenly broke down into HYSTERICAL tears when I got home to Kevin...I was HORRIBLY homesick all the sudden, so bad I couldn't breathe or do anything without coughing out more tears! And today was my hubby aunt's birthday and her sisters were there. His one aunt (one we love who stood in for his mother at our wedding) kept alternating between anger and pleading to get us to talk to her sister (his mom), causing me to nearly burst out into tears AGAIN right there. Meanwhile, his mother (whom we will NOT speak to until she's able to tell us she can be a grandmother to our children) goes and whines about how we should come talk to her, but deliberately walks up to talk to another family member she hates JUST because I was talking to her and she wanted to make sure I knew she was ignoring ME! All this at a 90th birthday for another sister who we truly wanted to honor!
So, two big sobbing fits in as many days. This is bad mojo for a tomboy and usually means my period's on it's way, which it is, but also has its roots in basic facts. I know Saturday's tears were because I had so MUCH fun with my sisters-in-law that I remembered how great it was when I was home with just my mom, dad, brother and husband in the cool, calm, wide open spaces of our home in Dallas. Today's tears were brought on by that family stress I'm growing less and less tolerant of. It's not age alone that's doing this to me...I don't think family strife got to me before because I wasn't involved and didn't even understand the social dynamics aspect of it when I WAS involved (or overheard it). Now that I know what's going on, it's harder to deal with, almost like Christmas. Once you understand what's really underneath it all, you get more and more cynical and you find it harder to stay upbeat and willing to participate.
I'm seeing why my father moved away from HIS family now...all those people and all that interaction can REALLY wear on you when you're not used to it.
Friday, July 2, 2004
Why I Teach
Know why I'm a teacher?
Because my whole week, sometimes whole MONTH is made by just ONE child FINALLY bringing in his homework.
Because I go into purchase overload when I walk into a teacher store.
Because I know that hairy purple tree your child drew is actually a picture of me teaching
Because I like working a second job/teaching remedial summer school/going to "recommended seminars"/redecorating my classroom/writing up year-long scope and sequences/learning an ENTIRELY new ELA delivery method during the summer, all while people tell me how easy I have it with my 3 months off (by the way, if school STARTS in September and ENDS at the end of June, where's this mysterious 3rd month???).
Because I honestly think "What do ghosts eat at McDonald's? BOO-gers!" is one of the world's greatest unappreciated pieces of humor.
Because (aside from parenting) I was suited for nothing else with my ocular disability (eyes in the back of my head).
Because the smell of paste, chalk, pencil shavings and old lunches all blended together somehow makes me feel at home.
Because I actually take great delight in lining up my classes' state testing scores and plotting ways to raise them every year.
Because debunking the "my child is perfect" myth is not NEARLY as thrilling as debunking the "that kid'll NEVER make it" myth.
Because I want to be like MY teacher was, delighted to see a student she'd had nearly 15 years ago.
Because it helps feed me secret addiction to overhead marker ink/chalkdust/dry erase marker crumbs.
Because I love repeating myself (Turn to page 4...page 4...we're on page 4...that's page 5, not page 4. Turn to page 4...PAGE 4!!!)
Because I want to prove something to all the bad teachers I had.
Because I want to be as memorable as all my good teachers were.
Because after Christmas/spring break, I'm actually DELIGHTED to go back to work.
Because I want to know I did something to affect world policy in 2040 and beyond way back when I told my 4th graders "Do unto others..."
Because kids are a GREAT audience.
Because in every situation we all have something to learn and something to teach ...and I get to do both every day.
Because I not only BELIEVE I make a difference, I SEE it in the faces of my children.
Because I honestly have nothing better to do with my time than make sure your child grows up to be a decent human being.
And finally,
Because deep in my heart of hearts, it's KILLING me that I have begun each one of these sentences with "because"!!!
Because my whole week, sometimes whole MONTH is made by just ONE child FINALLY bringing in his homework.
Because I go into purchase overload when I walk into a teacher store.
Because I know that hairy purple tree your child drew is actually a picture of me teaching
Because I like working a second job/teaching remedial summer school/going to "recommended seminars"/redecorating my classroom/writing up year-long scope and sequences/learning an ENTIRELY new ELA delivery method during the summer, all while people tell me how easy I have it with my 3 months off (by the way, if school STARTS in September and ENDS at the end of June, where's this mysterious 3rd month???).
Because I honestly think "What do ghosts eat at McDonald's? BOO-gers!" is one of the world's greatest unappreciated pieces of humor.
Because (aside from parenting) I was suited for nothing else with my ocular disability (eyes in the back of my head).
Because the smell of paste, chalk, pencil shavings and old lunches all blended together somehow makes me feel at home.
Because I actually take great delight in lining up my classes' state testing scores and plotting ways to raise them every year.
Because debunking the "my child is perfect" myth is not NEARLY as thrilling as debunking the "that kid'll NEVER make it" myth.
Because I want to be like MY teacher was, delighted to see a student she'd had nearly 15 years ago.
Because it helps feed me secret addiction to overhead marker ink/chalkdust/dry erase marker crumbs.
Because I love repeating myself (Turn to page 4...page 4...we're on page 4...that's page 5, not page 4. Turn to page 4...PAGE 4!!!)
Because I want to prove something to all the bad teachers I had.
Because I want to be as memorable as all my good teachers were.
Because after Christmas/spring break, I'm actually DELIGHTED to go back to work.
Because I want to know I did something to affect world policy in 2040 and beyond way back when I told my 4th graders "Do unto others..."
Because kids are a GREAT audience.
Because in every situation we all have something to learn and something to teach ...and I get to do both every day.
Because I not only BELIEVE I make a difference, I SEE it in the faces of my children.
Because I honestly have nothing better to do with my time than make sure your child grows up to be a decent human being.
And finally,
Because deep in my heart of hearts, it's KILLING me that I have begun each one of these sentences with "because"!!!
Thursday, July 1, 2004
I Was a Geek Reject
Alright, so the deal with Dungeons & Dragons is this...
I've always had this love-hate relationship with the game and all things generally considered to be geek fare (Star Trek, anime, Lord of the Rings, laughter that sounds like snorting, etc.) for reasons that had buried themselves so deep, I had forgotten what they were. Normally, someone asks me to game or watch something and I give me stardard "hell, no, that's stupid...not interested" spiel. Then I let myself be coerced into doing it, anyway and enjoy myself. The only things I had truly held out on was anime and D&D.
Then "Spirited Away" came out...
The problem with being married to someone who loves you and understands you have depth is that when you play shallow, they gently lead you out to the deep end and with a gentle kiss on your forehead, slowly sink you deeper into the depths of your own soul until they figure out what's really eating you. Kevin wouldn't just accept the standard "I don't wanna watch that...it's stupid" response.
"Why?" he'd ask.
And I'd say, "It just is! I hate that crap!"
And this circular sort of conversation continued one night until I literally was backed against the wall of our hallway getting more and more upset and repeating "I just DON'T LIKE it, that's all!" until we got to the point of tears (mine, of course). I got all shaky and figdety, a sure sign I'm about to dig up some long buried childhood memory. Then he did what he always does when we get to this point (it's happened about 3 times now)...he started to ask questions.
"Is it because you don't like the animation style?"
No.
"Is it because you don't like the subtitles?"
No.
Suddenly, I remember EXACTLTY where it started. Middle school.
I had this crush on the actual KING of the geeks back in 6th grade. The Geek King (who shall remain nameless, since I'm sure he's taken over some part of Microsoft by now) and his minions kept promising to teach me D&D, but never doing it. They'd even go so far as to say they'd meet me somewhere and ditch me, and finally told me the day I read the Lord of the Rings trilogy was they day they'd show me. Well, like most girls, my idea of fantasy wasn't QUITE as dark as Tolkien's (mostly unicorns and fairies, a viewpoint I have to defend to this DAY), so I started the books and put them down after making it halfway through the Fellowship. After that, I developed a sort of "you can't fire me, I quit" sort of attitude to the whole process of learning to game with other people.
That was the end until freshman year in high school when I bought the old boxed set of D&D (the one where you could actually color in the numbers on your dice?) and tried to play with my little brother. This sucked because I had to DM an already set campaign and the dice really just bogged it down for us (being only 10 and 14 and not really wanting to read ALL the rules). We gave it up, only to have my brother pick it up for a few years in middle school himself, but with his friends, not me (insult to injury!). I met a few folks in high school who played, too, but being terribly unpopular in high school makes you wary of opening yourself up for ridicule, so I never even posed the question.
Then college came along and it started all over again. Meet a friend who plays, get interested, then something happens. Kat (my journal buddy) made it through my "I don't WANNA play...it's stupid" barrier and got me to compromise...no dice, just RP. Then I moved and we ended up growing apart, and back together, but never back to that level of RP, which I had REALLY loved. Jeff, my boyfriend in college, showed me how to play GURPS (Generic Universal Roleplaying System) after making it past my barrier, but then we broke up, grew apart and got back together, but never the same way. He also introduced me to anime, but I seem to recall this was one of those "guys hanging out" moments that I really should have gone home for, but didn't, so I got introduced to the giant penis monsters of anime ("well, there's like 30 or so of those" says Kevin!) but nothing more, really. THEN I graduated, got a job and started playing Terris because of one of my students. I met my future husband, but once he and I got together in the same house, Terris just wasn't the same for me. Just lost all the RP fun, once again.
Essentially, all things geek had built an unbelievable wall in me that had gotten pretty dramatic. I couldn't get NEAR a game without putting up the "this is so lame" front that would last for like days after I saw the game. Couldn't go to cons without getting the shakes, couldn't go to gaming stores without waiting in the car...I actually wept and ranted for an hour and a half once when a friend of Kevin's made it sound like I didn't have the patience for Lord of the Rings, just as a passing joke! One doesn't normally do that over something that they think is just "stupid".
But I digress...
All this came out on the floor of our hallway that night and I actually found myself shaking at the thought of actually watching "Spirited Away". I almost decided NOT to do it because I was literally terriffied of getting involved; getting to like it and then having things go wrong with it. I don't think I actually thought Kevin might LEAVE me, I had just STOPPED thinking rationally at all.
But I did it...mostly for him, but a LOT for me. I watched "Spirited Away" that night and loved it. Been watching "A Little Snow Fairy Sugar" lately and digging that, too.
And then I FINALLY rolled up some characters for D&D. Kev has made an entire campaign based on Terris characters, but using 3rd edition rules. Which means EVERYONE has to start from scratch, not just me. Plus, he's DMing and that means no one makes fun of the wife of the DM...!
So, I played a practice campaign with him Sunday and Monday night...and finally embraced my inner geek, like Jimbo in American Pie. Sure, there's still the worry that somehow, this is all going to go horribly awry once I finally get my heart and soul into it, but since I'm a big kid now and I no longer have to balance on the whims and acceptance of others (usually!), I am ready to take my Monstrous Compendium one hand and my Project Ako in the other and proudly proclaim "YES! I DO know the sound a vorpal blade makes...and, dammit...I LIKE it!
Reading over this again, I'm reminded of why I chose the word "ramblings" for the main title...you have the patience of a SAINT if you've made it this far! ;-)
I've always had this love-hate relationship with the game and all things generally considered to be geek fare (Star Trek, anime, Lord of the Rings, laughter that sounds like snorting, etc.) for reasons that had buried themselves so deep, I had forgotten what they were. Normally, someone asks me to game or watch something and I give me stardard "hell, no, that's stupid...not interested" spiel. Then I let myself be coerced into doing it, anyway and enjoy myself. The only things I had truly held out on was anime and D&D.
Then "Spirited Away" came out...
The problem with being married to someone who loves you and understands you have depth is that when you play shallow, they gently lead you out to the deep end and with a gentle kiss on your forehead, slowly sink you deeper into the depths of your own soul until they figure out what's really eating you. Kevin wouldn't just accept the standard "I don't wanna watch that...it's stupid" response.
"Why?" he'd ask.
And I'd say, "It just is! I hate that crap!"
And this circular sort of conversation continued one night until I literally was backed against the wall of our hallway getting more and more upset and repeating "I just DON'T LIKE it, that's all!" until we got to the point of tears (mine, of course). I got all shaky and figdety, a sure sign I'm about to dig up some long buried childhood memory. Then he did what he always does when we get to this point (it's happened about 3 times now)...he started to ask questions.
"Is it because you don't like the animation style?"
No.
"Is it because you don't like the subtitles?"
No.
Suddenly, I remember EXACTLTY where it started. Middle school.
I had this crush on the actual KING of the geeks back in 6th grade. The Geek King (who shall remain nameless, since I'm sure he's taken over some part of Microsoft by now) and his minions kept promising to teach me D&D, but never doing it. They'd even go so far as to say they'd meet me somewhere and ditch me, and finally told me the day I read the Lord of the Rings trilogy was they day they'd show me. Well, like most girls, my idea of fantasy wasn't QUITE as dark as Tolkien's (mostly unicorns and fairies, a viewpoint I have to defend to this DAY), so I started the books and put them down after making it halfway through the Fellowship. After that, I developed a sort of "you can't fire me, I quit" sort of attitude to the whole process of learning to game with other people.
That was the end until freshman year in high school when I bought the old boxed set of D&D (the one where you could actually color in the numbers on your dice?) and tried to play with my little brother. This sucked because I had to DM an already set campaign and the dice really just bogged it down for us (being only 10 and 14 and not really wanting to read ALL the rules). We gave it up, only to have my brother pick it up for a few years in middle school himself, but with his friends, not me (insult to injury!). I met a few folks in high school who played, too, but being terribly unpopular in high school makes you wary of opening yourself up for ridicule, so I never even posed the question.
Then college came along and it started all over again. Meet a friend who plays, get interested, then something happens. Kat (my journal buddy) made it through my "I don't WANNA play...it's stupid" barrier and got me to compromise...no dice, just RP. Then I moved and we ended up growing apart, and back together, but never back to that level of RP, which I had REALLY loved. Jeff, my boyfriend in college, showed me how to play GURPS (Generic Universal Roleplaying System) after making it past my barrier, but then we broke up, grew apart and got back together, but never the same way. He also introduced me to anime, but I seem to recall this was one of those "guys hanging out" moments that I really should have gone home for, but didn't, so I got introduced to the giant penis monsters of anime ("well, there's like 30 or so of those" says Kevin!) but nothing more, really. THEN I graduated, got a job and started playing Terris because of one of my students. I met my future husband, but once he and I got together in the same house, Terris just wasn't the same for me. Just lost all the RP fun, once again.
Essentially, all things geek had built an unbelievable wall in me that had gotten pretty dramatic. I couldn't get NEAR a game without putting up the "this is so lame" front that would last for like days after I saw the game. Couldn't go to cons without getting the shakes, couldn't go to gaming stores without waiting in the car...I actually wept and ranted for an hour and a half once when a friend of Kevin's made it sound like I didn't have the patience for Lord of the Rings, just as a passing joke! One doesn't normally do that over something that they think is just "stupid".
But I digress...
All this came out on the floor of our hallway that night and I actually found myself shaking at the thought of actually watching "Spirited Away". I almost decided NOT to do it because I was literally terriffied of getting involved; getting to like it and then having things go wrong with it. I don't think I actually thought Kevin might LEAVE me, I had just STOPPED thinking rationally at all.
But I did it...mostly for him, but a LOT for me. I watched "Spirited Away" that night and loved it. Been watching "A Little Snow Fairy Sugar" lately and digging that, too.
And then I FINALLY rolled up some characters for D&D. Kev has made an entire campaign based on Terris characters, but using 3rd edition rules. Which means EVERYONE has to start from scratch, not just me. Plus, he's DMing and that means no one makes fun of the wife of the DM...!
So, I played a practice campaign with him Sunday and Monday night...and finally embraced my inner geek, like Jimbo in American Pie. Sure, there's still the worry that somehow, this is all going to go horribly awry once I finally get my heart and soul into it, but since I'm a big kid now and I no longer have to balance on the whims and acceptance of others (usually!), I am ready to take my Monstrous Compendium one hand and my Project Ako in the other and proudly proclaim "YES! I DO know the sound a vorpal blade makes...and, dammit...I LIKE it!
Reading over this again, I'm reminded of why I chose the word "ramblings" for the main title...you have the patience of a SAINT if you've made it this far! ;-)
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