Three Ring Medical Circus

Well, it's more official. We've been told the baby isn't developing and that we should get rid of it using a D & C procedure. We told many of you about this on the New York boxing boards at AQ and Yahoo, but the part we haven't talked about has been the insane doctor we've been dealing with.

The man has been an insensitive lout from the beginning, blowing off my questions when I ask them (as in "what should I be eating?" and he gives me one news article on not eating soft cheeses), minimizing any pain or discomfort I've told him about (I told him I thought I had a hernia, which to this DAY still looks like a Super Ball sitting up under my skin near my pelvic join, and he told me we "can't worry about that right now, hon"), completely downplaying any hope that we get ("oh, those pregnancy tests can read false positives quite a bit...don't read too much into that, honey") and, finally, telling us we needed this D & C ("Yeah, I don't see a heartbeat today, so let's try again on Friday and schedule a D & C for next Tuesday."). Oh, and CALLING ME HONEY! He lives WAY too far above the Mason Dixon line to get away with that!

The first day of all this recent trauma, it took 3 people to find the baby, my ovaries were so swollen and sore, and when they did find it, I was crying openly in pain. He suggested a second ultrasound and the D & C in the same breath. The second day (when we had the ultrasound and could see that the yolk sac had gotten smaller and KNEW we were in trouble) we decided we'd had enough of his treating me like a thing and decided to talk to him about it. At first, we were just going to go to another doctor for the D & C, but the nurses suggested we talk to him about how we felt instead. "He needs to know he can't treat people this way!" one of them said. "And you're not the first to say it about him, either!"

So, when we sat in his office Friday and tried telling him that we really needed him to be a little less blunt and abrupt with us (after all, we've tried for 5 years and he knows how hard this must be), we weren't attacking him. We didn't have it IN us to attack him with all that we knew about the baby. Even still, he jumped to the defensive and said, "Well, I can't change my personality and if you two decide to quit, then shame on you for not continuing this process."

No, really, he actually SAID that! We hadn't decided to quit at ALL, we just wanted him to understand our discomfort and were asking him to be gentle with us.

I flared up and said, "Or maybe GOOD for us that we'd go and find a doctor who'd treat me like a human being with feelings instead of a defective machine!" He basically blew that off, too and acted like our problem was with the D & C, not his ever-so-delightful bedside manner.

Well, after that, we went to our regular OB/Gyn and after the office staff said she wasn't in, they called her at home to tell her about what was going on. She actually met with us on her day off at her office! She did what he should have done...she told us that 40% of the first pregnancies are lost and that most women don't even know it, told us about chromosomes and how things really had to be JUST right to make sure the baby would turn out right, and most importantly, that we did NOTHING wrong. Honestly, you guys, I thought I had killed the baby myself with pizza the weekend before and by lifting heavy bags. Kevin thought he should have been more vigilant about my diet and what I was carrying.

"If it were that easy to get rid of a baby," our OB/GYN smiled, "don't you think there'd be a run on junk food and heavy bags right now and a considerable lack of abortions?" And, just like that, we knew she was right and we actually both smiled. All that confusion with the doctor and what we really needed was a minor therapy session! I cried and she hugged us both and told us to change doctors right away. "He's getting paid enough to at least be nice to you," she growled.

So that led to yesterday (Monday). Kevin called and asked to change doctors in a polite way. The office person said she couldn't do that and directed us to (horror!) the SAME doctor. Kinda like having a rape victim talk to the rapist about their difficulties, really! Anyway, Kevin let him know that it was not a personal matter, we just understood what he said about not being able to change his personality. We couldn't do that, either, and we just wanted to find the least stressful way to handle all this. We thought we'd be doing him a favor by asking to switch to one of the other doctors in the office.

The guy LOST it! "Well, we doctors have rights, too! We don't need to be stressed out, either!" I wasn't on the phone, but my husband said he couldn't believe his ears. I mean, WHO CARES what he was feeling about this? He has pictures of his 4 beautiful children all over his office and we've tried for 5 years to get ONE, only to run into him and his "feelings". Plus, when we first talked to him on Friday, that would have been a GREAT time to fix everyone's hurt feelings, but he wasn't willing to do that...couldn't change his personality (something I KNOW was a lie because I've seen him be nice and personable to other patients, even to me, as long as the intern is in the room). I've never in my life had a professional act in such a way. I, as a teacher, would never act this way. I wouldn't tell a parent "Well, your kid makes me mad, too, so there!" even if the kid really DID drive me crazy. It's...well, childish and whiny and I'm the adult, right?

So, Kevin said what I was thinking, which was "I guess I don't see how our leaving would upset you, since you're saying this causes you stress." The doctor changed the subject and demanded to know wo was doing our D & C. Kevin said that our doctor had suggested someone and before he could say more, the doctor said, "Well, call me back when that's over and we'll talk...I have to go now, goodbye!" and HUNG UP!

So, this has been one of those weird things that's so messed up, it's actually funny. I know we'll get through this and we'll get another doctor, but I figured I blog about it so people in the same situation know you DO have rights. You do NOT have to see the same doctor. You can choose any other in the same office. We're planning on asking one of the other specialists to take our case, but if they feel strongly about it because of the jerk we're dealing with, I won't put them in that position. We'll just go to another office entirely (which is also our choice and right).

No matter what, though...do NOT let some professional make you feel like you don't matter. A fertility specialist SHOULD care about your needs and should be able to counsel you a little we you need it. It's a stressful time and a hard enough situation without you having to fight for fair treatment. Take it from us...you DON'T have to put up with it and there ARE nicer, more caring doctors in this world!

Sleeping With Mom

I had my insemination today, but that's not what sleeping with mom is about (thank goodness for THAT!). The night before, I suddenly PANICKED. I had no idea how to think about things, where to put my mind. Should I be confident, certain that this will work or more guarded, assuming the worst so I wouldn't be disappointed later.

I really worked myself into a frenzy while Kevin slept, so I got up and called my mom in tears. She told me to calm down because regardless of what happened, this was NOT good for making a baby. "You need to make sure that your body is ready for this and staying up crying and feeling sorry for yourself is not going to do it."

"But, Mom, I'm so scared..." I wept.

"Then stop it. Whatever will happen will happen and rather than asking God for what you want, give it to him and let it GO."

What most folks don't realize is when they say they're letting God "take it", they're really asking God for what they want, then hoping he delivers. What you need to do is ask him for the strength to accept whatever is to happen and for the peace of mind in the interim.

After I realized that, she said, "Now, tonight, you go back to bed with your husband, but know that you sleep with me. And I don't want you kickin' and fussin' and carryin' on all night, so get your act together."

Sometimes, when you think you need to just vent, what you really need is a good shaking and then the reminder that you ARE strong and, more importantly, you ARE loved, by the man next to you as well as by a crazy old lady 1400 miles away.

I sleep with unconditional love tonight.

Bun Packin'

Well, it's official. After 5 years of trying, we're finally pregnant (apparently, sleeping with one's mother helps!). My boobs hurt, my abdomen feels like I'm going to start my period every five seconds, but I'm honestly and truly pregnant (plus Celtic Quinn & Sweet Heart made a Little Terror cootie with a baby carving just for us, so now we're having a boxer, too!). I took a blood test back on the 16th of February (2 weeks after my insemination on the 2nd) and it has me very clearly over the HCG levels needed.

Of course, the minute I finally let loose the news at Desperately Seeking Suds (of which I had NONE of, of course!), I start a little spotting and some cramping (sharper than the original stuff I was feeling). Plus the doctor says the HCG levels in my last blood workup didn't have the numbers doubling the way they're supposed to, so now they want me to take another test tomorrow. Apparently being pregnant does not necessarily mean STAYING pregnant.

Worried? Yep.

But, like my mom said, "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." And Kevin keeps reminding me he loves me, no matter what. So I figure I got THAT goin' fer me (watch, now the kid'll turn out to be Bill Murray!)

Kinda weird finally thinking about having a baby, though. Suddenly NOTHING in the house looked like it was suitable to me and EVERYTHING seemed expensive to Kevin ("you know how much these things cost to RAISE???"). I want to do a good job, I want to make sure the kid is happy, healthy, can read well, doesn't get picked on about the interracial thing, smart, good at...everything, especially the stuff that pays well, loves everything, but only gets attached to the things that treat him/her well...so much to demand and so little time...

Plus, you feel like you should be MUCH less demanding of God when he finally grants your fondest wish, but still...oh, human greed and need is a rough taskmaster!

Wish us luck, 'cause we SURE don't need more misfortune! ;-)

A Nice Man?

I've been listening to NPR talk about Samuel Alito, the nominee to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. He's being grilled (well, grilled by Democrats, defended by Republicans) about some of the decisions and statements he's made in his judicial career. It looks like he's getting in trouble over his views on abortion and various other watery issues, but the one that caught my attention was the latest, his having been a a part of a group called Concerned Alumni of Princeton (CAP). In 1983, this group, who flat out was for keeping minorities out of Princeton, wrote an essay in their group's magazine called In Defense of Elitism. Part of the essay said,

"People nowadays just don't seem to know their place. Everywhere one turns, blacks and Hispanics are demanding jobs simply because they're black and Hispanic."

Now, the guy signs up for this group, but claims he totally remembers nothing about it at ALL. Then he declares he's not a bigot, his wife starts crying and one of the Republican senators says essentially, "I know he's not a bigot because I've got 500 statements from people who worked with him that say he's a nice person." The entire process comes off as the mean Democrats picking on Alito's wife.

Okay.

First let me tell you what some terribly nice people, people I've even LOVED have said to me.

From a friend's grandmother: "Why, you're just the sweetest lil' n--ger I ever met!"

From my mother-in-law's sister: "Didn't you ever think that the reason your people suffer on earth is because you have a better place than us in heaven?"

From a friend in high school: "I like you, but I really hate other black people." (when asked if she understood that meant my 8 year old brother, my grandmother and a host of other folks she hadn't ever met, she asked why that was a problem)

I hate to break it to Sen. Lindsay Graham, but some of the NICEST people in the world can be bigots. I've seen people who love, hug and coddle little children while taking pictures next to lynched bodies like it's a some kind of family outing. I've seen grandmothers that bake cookies for local charities in segregation protests yelling at 1st grade girls while swinging a black doll with a noose around its neck. I've talked to highly intelligent human beings who really thought it would help African Americans if they were allowed (yes, ALLOWED) to go back to their home country and begin again.

Being nice does NOT preclude you from being fundamentally WRONG.

And joining a little group like CAP is no where NEAR as violent as any of those other ones I mentioned, but that's not that way the North works. The South has had its difficulties with overtly racist acts, but the North has been the purveyor of some very underground racist acts, such as suburbs that don't admit minorities and secret societies or clubs like CAP. They aren't as widely discussed, but that doesn't make them any less wrong. And really, there's no WAY and up and coming Ivy League student could have joined a prestigious Princeton society (whose very name suggests that their belief system is something offensive enough to not mention) without knowing what it was about. Heck, you'd HAVE to ASK with a name as vague as Concerned Alumni of Princeton! "Say, guys, what ARE we concerned about, anyway?" And it's not like he wasn't PROUD of being in the group...the whole reason it's an issue is because he put it on a job application! If this was a dumb mistake you made in college, why bring it up again without being asked?

I mean, I could see if like this was PETA or something and they were putting out these essays...you'd think they were about animal rights and could explain being misled. But what Ivy League student doesn't have the mental wherewithal to ask what a club is about before joining? Is THAT the kind of thorough examination of information you want with a Supreme Court judge?

Now, maybe bigoted isn't the prettiest word. Let's go with prejudiced, something we all can say we are to an extent. We all have biases that tend to cloud our judgement when we make decisions. I don't mind that in the average person, but in a Supreme Court judge, I need a guy who's got the LEAST biases possible. And even if he IS a "nice guy", that won't stop him from crapping on my rights if he thinks in some misguided way that'll help right the wrongs of this nation.

It's bad enough that the Republicans are trying to help this man blow off his involvement with this group, but the hypocrisy of pretending Mrs. Alito's tears should matter worth a darn in this (especially since I'm sure the families who suffered at the hands of those "nice people" I mentioned probably wept a bit themselves) is WAY too much to handle. She does have reason to cry, though. I'd cry, too, if I found out my husband had been involved in a group like that...and then I'd let the committee tear him apart while I had the divorce papers drawn up. :-)

She Shoots, She SCOOOORES...almost...

Okay, now I've gotten the 2nd to last piece of the tenure puzzle, My principal wrote my end of the year recommendation and hightly recommended me tenure. I was a little surprised at how nice she made me sound. I don't even remember all the good stuff this time, 'cause I was so relieved just to KNOW I was recommended. I do remember saying, "Wow, I didn't even know I DID all this stuff!"

She smiled at me and laughed. "You're saying you didn't do all these things?"

"Uh, I mean, yes, of course!" I replied, quickly assuming the authoritative sound. "I'm glad you finally noticed!"

We both laughed and I decided to take the compliment instead. It's not that I don't believe I'm good, I just forget how much more impressed people are with some of the things that I consider second nature. F'rinstance, computer use. I'm amazed at how thrilled people get at seeing my students using Powerpoint or even just holding a laptop! I could be having them surf for tv shows and making a presentation regarding the cancellation of Family Guy and the impact it had on our household and someone would still be stunned that my kids could do use the internet without being hooked into the wall!

I'm already getting exicited about next year, though. I'm testing the kids now and doing the numbers and making spreadsheets of info and reading through all the forms we fill out on each one...a lot of work. But I LOVE this kinda stuff! It's like being a sports coach and having the beginning of the year tryouts. You get to see the whole gambit of players, but then you find some incoming freshman who makes your start QB or runner look like they're on blocks. Or, in my case, I find some kid that people thought couldn't POSSIBLY be gifted because they annoyed people/didn't do homework/had bad handwriting etc. and I more often than not get to tell them "Don't be so sure...check out THESE scores!" It's like giving a kid a second chance to prove themselves in another arena. Kinda therapeutic for me, too...I think it's always been my destiny to find kids who were like me and help them realize they can't charm their way through life forever...they'll have to DO something proactive with their brains.

Okay, gotta get some rest!

Recognition and Redemption

I got my third year observation from the assistant superintendent of my entire school district today...here's some of the things she had to say about me:

"Sometimes gifted students are afraid to take risks in front of others, but Mrs. Burke has created a risk taking environment. She herself often models this self-questioning attitude--and helps students feel comfortable with laughing at what turns out to be a "silly" hypothesis."

"Mrs. Burke is very much involved with her students' work. Down on the floor, she was measuring students' bridges built from spaghetti and Elmer's glue. These "real-life science projects give students a chance to be creative and to do serious thinking simlutaneously."

"Mrs. Burke and her students are tucked into whatever corner a principal can find. She functions quite well in spite of these restrictions."

And the one that made me feel the most pride:

"Mrs. Burke has taken on the role of leader in this program."

That's ME she was talking about, me and my Science Olympics curriculum. She didn't say "Mrs. Burke has so much potential, but could do better." She didn't find the little imperfections in my manner, my clothes, my world view and she darn sure didn't seem unhappy with my "attitude toward my work". I've always known I was creative and innovative and helped challenge kids in a fun way...but think I've lived (and waited) my whole life without hearing someone say I was a leader, that I was the person running the show and in charge, not the person on the side who makes the leader look good. I was actually moved to tears without knowing why until I realized that fact. Someone I respect infinitely basically just acknowledged that what I do is REAL teaching and REAL leadership ability, not just "hey, everyone, it's fun, follow me and PLAY!".

I have at last been taken seriously in my career.

I'm not bragging, but I was so proud and genuinely happy, I had to post it. This is my tenure year, and it's the first time I've ever been worried about getting it. I guess that mostly has to do with the district being so small and my program being so new. I'm constantly battling the need to please everyone with the need to do right by my kids (oh, and the secret need to be RIGHT more often!).

My Anniversary Part 3

Just got back from taking our anniversary picture at the Red Coach Inn. See, we forgot to take pictures that night and I always try to take a picture of us for every anniversary (I even have the picture of us when my parents announced our engagement at THEIR 30th anniversary party!). It meant a lot to me to have it on the wall with the rest, so KEvin suggested we put on the same clothes and go back up to take the pic out front. It's not exactly on the date, but only 2 of them have been that way, anyway. Plus, it's the thought that counts.

It occurs to me that the way to prove you love a woman is to show that you care enough to remember what's important to her. Men seem to be much easier about the proof they need for love...it's all pretty physical, from what I gather! With us, though, it's remembering our anniversaries, our birthdays, our special days...that always gets me!

Anyway, I guess I'm to the last part of my "how we met" saga. After gently chiding my future husband on his belief that he could restrain himself in the face of my ultimate sex appeal :-p, Kevin made the trip down to see me again just after Christmas of 1997. I made sure we had almost NO moments alone. I had kids from my youth group over to sleep over and hang out at ALL hours of the night. He even came to my improv show with Rubber Chicken on New Year's Eve and we had just a blast.

We had SUCH a good time, I realized how much I really DID love him and how comfortable I was with him again. So much so that...well, I was the big flirt and tease that got things started again. There we were, alone after 3 days of constant company and I decide (after telling HIM that HE won't be able to be good) to walk around in a half shirt and short-shorts. Needless to say, this evolved into a makeout session pretty quickly, but one I was FULLY ready for.

Things were going quite swimmingly when Kev pulled away, muttering, "Oh, damn, honey, I promised I wouln't DO this..."

My first thought and words (which was a bit muddled, what with my shirt half up and my senses reeling) was "And you're keeping this promise NOW????" Then, as I started to calm down, I was less exasperated and more bewildered. I repeated the question and he shrugged helplessly at me.

"Well, of course, hon, I LOVE you. How could I do otherwise?" he asked, as if throwing one's passion into reverse while it's doing 90 on the highway is an easy thing to do.

But suddenly, I realized that the real shocker was my OWN attitude. I had done so many things that I thought were wrong (which I now realize were wrong in comparision to what women of the 40's and 50's considered right, not modern day standards) that I no longer thought I was worth keeping a promise to. Before I knew it, I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. He scooped me up and rocked me like a baby, saying, "Oh, hon, if you could only see what I see in you, you'd never worry about anything with us again."

When I could finally see him clearly again, I looked up into his eyes and said "I love you" and found that for the first time, I was able to say it and not turn away, embarrassed or feel guilty. I felt a wave of relief wash over me that was truly unbelievable. It was as if Kevin had merely been away on a long trip and had finally come home, instead of my committing to a real relationship with him for the first time.

Anyway, he went back home in January of '98 and returned a month later and we've been together ever since. We officially tied the knot on July 17, 1999, but as you can see, it's been quite the love thang! ;-)