I Was a Geek Reject

Alright, so the deal with Dungeons & Dragons is this...

I've always had this love-hate relationship with the game and all things generally considered to be geek fare (Star Trek, anime, Lord of the Rings, laughter that sounds like snorting, etc.) for reasons that had buried themselves so deep, I had forgotten what they were. Normally, someone asks me to game or watch something and I give me stardard "hell, no, that's stupid...not interested" spiel. Then I let myself be coerced into doing it, anyway and enjoy myself. The only things I had truly held out on was anime and D&D.

Then "Spirited Away" came out...

The problem with being married to someone who loves you and understands you have depth is that when you play shallow, they gently lead you out to the deep end and with a gentle kiss on your forehead, slowly sink you deeper into the depths of your own soul until they figure out what's really eating you. Kevin wouldn't just accept the standard "I don't wanna watch that...it's stupid" response.

"Why?" he'd ask.

And I'd say, "It just is! I hate that crap!"

And this circular sort of conversation continued one night until I literally was backed against the wall of our hallway getting more and more upset and repeating "I just DON'T LIKE it, that's all!" until we got to the point of tears (mine, of course). I got all shaky and figdety, a sure sign I'm about to dig up some long buried childhood memory. Then he did what he always does when we get to this point (it's happened about 3 times now)...he started to ask questions.

"Is it because you don't like the animation style?"
No.

"Is it because you don't like the subtitles?"
No.

Suddenly, I remember EXACTLTY where it started. Middle school.

I had this crush on the actual KING of the geeks back in 6th grade. The Geek King (who shall remain nameless, since I'm sure he's taken over some part of Microsoft by now) and his minions kept promising to teach me D&D, but never doing it. They'd even go so far as to say they'd meet me somewhere and ditch me, and finally told me the day I read the Lord of the Rings trilogy was they day they'd show me. Well, like most girls, my idea of fantasy wasn't QUITE as dark as Tolkien's (mostly unicorns and fairies, a viewpoint I have to defend to this DAY), so I started the books and put them down after making it halfway through the Fellowship. After that, I developed a sort of "you can't fire me, I quit" sort of attitude to the whole process of learning to game with other people.

That was the end until freshman year in high school when I bought the old boxed set of D&D (the one where you could actually color in the numbers on your dice?) and tried to play with my little brother. This sucked because I had to DM an already set campaign and the dice really just bogged it down for us (being only 10 and 14 and not really wanting to read ALL the rules). We gave it up, only to have my brother pick it up for a few years in middle school himself, but with his friends, not me (insult to injury!). I met a few folks in high school who played, too, but being terribly unpopular in high school makes you wary of opening yourself up for ridicule, so I never even posed the question.

Then college came along and it started all over again. Meet a friend who plays, get interested, then something happens. Kat (my journal buddy) made it through my "I don't WANNA play...it's stupid" barrier and got me to compromise...no dice, just RP. Then I moved and we ended up growing apart, and back together, but never back to that level of RP, which I had REALLY loved. Jeff, my boyfriend in college, showed me how to play GURPS (Generic Universal Roleplaying System) after making it past my barrier, but then we broke up, grew apart and got back together, but never the same way. He also introduced me to anime, but I seem to recall this was one of those "guys hanging out" moments that I really should have gone home for, but didn't, so I got introduced to the giant penis monsters of anime ("well, there's like 30 or so of those" says Kevin!) but nothing more, really. THEN I graduated, got a job and started playing Terris because of one of my students. I met my future husband, but once he and I got together in the same house, Terris just wasn't the same for me. Just lost all the RP fun, once again.

Essentially, all things geek had built an unbelievable wall in me that had gotten pretty dramatic. I couldn't get NEAR a game without putting up the "this is so lame" front that would last for like days after I saw the game. Couldn't go to cons without getting the shakes, couldn't go to gaming stores without waiting in the car...I actually wept and ranted for an hour and a half once when a friend of Kevin's made it sound like I didn't have the patience for Lord of the Rings, just as a passing joke! One doesn't normally do that over something that they think is just "stupid".

But I digress...

All this came out on the floor of our hallway that night and I actually found myself shaking at the thought of actually watching "Spirited Away". I almost decided NOT to do it because I was literally terriffied of getting involved; getting to like it and then having things go wrong with it. I don't think I actually thought Kevin might LEAVE me, I had just STOPPED thinking rationally at all.

But I did it...mostly for him, but a LOT for me. I watched "Spirited Away" that night and loved it. Been watching "A Little Snow Fairy Sugar" lately and digging that, too.

And then I FINALLY rolled up some characters for D&D. Kev has made an entire campaign based on Terris characters, but using 3rd edition rules. Which means EVERYONE has to start from scratch, not just me. Plus, he's DMing and that means no one makes fun of the wife of the DM...!

So, I played a practice campaign with him Sunday and Monday night...and finally embraced my inner geek, like Jimbo in American Pie. Sure, there's still the worry that somehow, this is all going to go horribly awry once I finally get my heart and soul into it, but since I'm a big kid now and I no longer have to balance on the whims and acceptance of others (usually!), I am ready to take my Monstrous Compendium one hand and my Project Ako in the other and proudly proclaim "YES! I DO know the sound a vorpal blade makes...and, dammit...I LIKE it!

Reading over this again, I'm reminded of why I chose the word "ramblings" for the main title...you have the patience of a SAINT if you've made it this far! ;-)