Family

I'm finding that I don't have the strength or patience for extended family gathering, whether they be my side or Kevin's. I lived my entire life with the same 3 people (Mom, Dad & my brother). So, when I hook up with the larger family (not including Kevin), I find myself having to be "on" again, something I can only keep up for a few hours before I need shelter from the storm of mind games, pity parties and everything else that attacks me, the oldest, the friendly one, the funny one. It's not even specific to his side of the family, it's mine, too, which is weird. I'm the one who loves to talk and interact, yet these gatherings (if they last longer than 2 or 3 hours) inevitably have me feeling slightly in shock and much in need of a hug or a good cry.

For example, I had a great Saturday with my sisters-in-law, then suddenly broke down into HYSTERICAL tears when I got home to Kevin...I was HORRIBLY homesick all the sudden, so bad I couldn't breathe or do anything without coughing out more tears! And today was my hubby aunt's birthday and her sisters were there. His one aunt (one we love who stood in for his mother at our wedding) kept alternating between anger and pleading to get us to talk to her sister (his mom), causing me to nearly burst out into tears AGAIN right there. Meanwhile, his mother (whom we will NOT speak to until she's able to tell us she can be a grandmother to our children) goes and whines about how we should come talk to her, but deliberately walks up to talk to another family member she hates JUST because I was talking to her and she wanted to make sure I knew she was ignoring ME! All this at a 90th birthday for another sister who we truly wanted to honor!

So, two big sobbing fits in as many days. This is bad mojo for a tomboy and usually means my period's on it's way, which it is, but also has its roots in basic facts. I know Saturday's tears were because I had so MUCH fun with my sisters-in-law that I remembered how great it was when I was home with just my mom, dad, brother and husband in the cool, calm, wide open spaces of our home in Dallas. Today's tears were brought on by that family stress I'm growing less and less tolerant of. It's not age alone that's doing this to me...I don't think family strife got to me before because I wasn't involved and didn't even understand the social dynamics aspect of it when I WAS involved (or overheard it). Now that I know what's going on, it's harder to deal with, almost like Christmas. Once you understand what's really underneath it all, you get more and more cynical and you find it harder to stay upbeat and willing to participate.

I'm seeing why my father moved away from HIS family now...all those people and all that interaction can REALLY wear on you when you're not used to it.