A Nice Man?

I've been listening to NPR talk about Samuel Alito, the nominee to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. He's being grilled (well, grilled by Democrats, defended by Republicans) about some of the decisions and statements he's made in his judicial career. It looks like he's getting in trouble over his views on abortion and various other watery issues, but the one that caught my attention was the latest, his having been a a part of a group called Concerned Alumni of Princeton (CAP). In 1983, this group, who flat out was for keeping minorities out of Princeton, wrote an essay in their group's magazine called In Defense of Elitism. Part of the essay said,

"People nowadays just don't seem to know their place. Everywhere one turns, blacks and Hispanics are demanding jobs simply because they're black and Hispanic."

Now, the guy signs up for this group, but claims he totally remembers nothing about it at ALL. Then he declares he's not a bigot, his wife starts crying and one of the Republican senators says essentially, "I know he's not a bigot because I've got 500 statements from people who worked with him that say he's a nice person." The entire process comes off as the mean Democrats picking on Alito's wife.

Okay.

First let me tell you what some terribly nice people, people I've even LOVED have said to me.

From a friend's grandmother: "Why, you're just the sweetest lil' n--ger I ever met!"

From my mother-in-law's sister: "Didn't you ever think that the reason your people suffer on earth is because you have a better place than us in heaven?"

From a friend in high school: "I like you, but I really hate other black people." (when asked if she understood that meant my 8 year old brother, my grandmother and a host of other folks she hadn't ever met, she asked why that was a problem)

I hate to break it to Sen. Lindsay Graham, but some of the NICEST people in the world can be bigots. I've seen people who love, hug and coddle little children while taking pictures next to lynched bodies like it's a some kind of family outing. I've seen grandmothers that bake cookies for local charities in segregation protests yelling at 1st grade girls while swinging a black doll with a noose around its neck. I've talked to highly intelligent human beings who really thought it would help African Americans if they were allowed (yes, ALLOWED) to go back to their home country and begin again.

Being nice does NOT preclude you from being fundamentally WRONG.

And joining a little group like CAP is no where NEAR as violent as any of those other ones I mentioned, but that's not that way the North works. The South has had its difficulties with overtly racist acts, but the North has been the purveyor of some very underground racist acts, such as suburbs that don't admit minorities and secret societies or clubs like CAP. They aren't as widely discussed, but that doesn't make them any less wrong. And really, there's no WAY and up and coming Ivy League student could have joined a prestigious Princeton society (whose very name suggests that their belief system is something offensive enough to not mention) without knowing what it was about. Heck, you'd HAVE to ASK with a name as vague as Concerned Alumni of Princeton! "Say, guys, what ARE we concerned about, anyway?" And it's not like he wasn't PROUD of being in the group...the whole reason it's an issue is because he put it on a job application! If this was a dumb mistake you made in college, why bring it up again without being asked?

I mean, I could see if like this was PETA or something and they were putting out these essays...you'd think they were about animal rights and could explain being misled. But what Ivy League student doesn't have the mental wherewithal to ask what a club is about before joining? Is THAT the kind of thorough examination of information you want with a Supreme Court judge?

Now, maybe bigoted isn't the prettiest word. Let's go with prejudiced, something we all can say we are to an extent. We all have biases that tend to cloud our judgement when we make decisions. I don't mind that in the average person, but in a Supreme Court judge, I need a guy who's got the LEAST biases possible. And even if he IS a "nice guy", that won't stop him from crapping on my rights if he thinks in some misguided way that'll help right the wrongs of this nation.

It's bad enough that the Republicans are trying to help this man blow off his involvement with this group, but the hypocrisy of pretending Mrs. Alito's tears should matter worth a darn in this (especially since I'm sure the families who suffered at the hands of those "nice people" I mentioned probably wept a bit themselves) is WAY too much to handle. She does have reason to cry, though. I'd cry, too, if I found out my husband had been involved in a group like that...and then I'd let the committee tear him apart while I had the divorce papers drawn up. :-)

She Shoots, She SCOOOORES...almost...

Okay, now I've gotten the 2nd to last piece of the tenure puzzle, My principal wrote my end of the year recommendation and hightly recommended me tenure. I was a little surprised at how nice she made me sound. I don't even remember all the good stuff this time, 'cause I was so relieved just to KNOW I was recommended. I do remember saying, "Wow, I didn't even know I DID all this stuff!"

She smiled at me and laughed. "You're saying you didn't do all these things?"

"Uh, I mean, yes, of course!" I replied, quickly assuming the authoritative sound. "I'm glad you finally noticed!"

We both laughed and I decided to take the compliment instead. It's not that I don't believe I'm good, I just forget how much more impressed people are with some of the things that I consider second nature. F'rinstance, computer use. I'm amazed at how thrilled people get at seeing my students using Powerpoint or even just holding a laptop! I could be having them surf for tv shows and making a presentation regarding the cancellation of Family Guy and the impact it had on our household and someone would still be stunned that my kids could do use the internet without being hooked into the wall!

I'm already getting exicited about next year, though. I'm testing the kids now and doing the numbers and making spreadsheets of info and reading through all the forms we fill out on each one...a lot of work. But I LOVE this kinda stuff! It's like being a sports coach and having the beginning of the year tryouts. You get to see the whole gambit of players, but then you find some incoming freshman who makes your start QB or runner look like they're on blocks. Or, in my case, I find some kid that people thought couldn't POSSIBLY be gifted because they annoyed people/didn't do homework/had bad handwriting etc. and I more often than not get to tell them "Don't be so sure...check out THESE scores!" It's like giving a kid a second chance to prove themselves in another arena. Kinda therapeutic for me, too...I think it's always been my destiny to find kids who were like me and help them realize they can't charm their way through life forever...they'll have to DO something proactive with their brains.

Okay, gotta get some rest!

Recognition and Redemption

I got my third year observation from the assistant superintendent of my entire school district today...here's some of the things she had to say about me:

"Sometimes gifted students are afraid to take risks in front of others, but Mrs. Burke has created a risk taking environment. She herself often models this self-questioning attitude--and helps students feel comfortable with laughing at what turns out to be a "silly" hypothesis."

"Mrs. Burke is very much involved with her students' work. Down on the floor, she was measuring students' bridges built from spaghetti and Elmer's glue. These "real-life science projects give students a chance to be creative and to do serious thinking simlutaneously."

"Mrs. Burke and her students are tucked into whatever corner a principal can find. She functions quite well in spite of these restrictions."

And the one that made me feel the most pride:

"Mrs. Burke has taken on the role of leader in this program."

That's ME she was talking about, me and my Science Olympics curriculum. She didn't say "Mrs. Burke has so much potential, but could do better." She didn't find the little imperfections in my manner, my clothes, my world view and she darn sure didn't seem unhappy with my "attitude toward my work". I've always known I was creative and innovative and helped challenge kids in a fun way...but think I've lived (and waited) my whole life without hearing someone say I was a leader, that I was the person running the show and in charge, not the person on the side who makes the leader look good. I was actually moved to tears without knowing why until I realized that fact. Someone I respect infinitely basically just acknowledged that what I do is REAL teaching and REAL leadership ability, not just "hey, everyone, it's fun, follow me and PLAY!".

I have at last been taken seriously in my career.

I'm not bragging, but I was so proud and genuinely happy, I had to post it. This is my tenure year, and it's the first time I've ever been worried about getting it. I guess that mostly has to do with the district being so small and my program being so new. I'm constantly battling the need to please everyone with the need to do right by my kids (oh, and the secret need to be RIGHT more often!).

My Anniversary Part 3

Just got back from taking our anniversary picture at the Red Coach Inn. See, we forgot to take pictures that night and I always try to take a picture of us for every anniversary (I even have the picture of us when my parents announced our engagement at THEIR 30th anniversary party!). It meant a lot to me to have it on the wall with the rest, so KEvin suggested we put on the same clothes and go back up to take the pic out front. It's not exactly on the date, but only 2 of them have been that way, anyway. Plus, it's the thought that counts.

It occurs to me that the way to prove you love a woman is to show that you care enough to remember what's important to her. Men seem to be much easier about the proof they need for love...it's all pretty physical, from what I gather! With us, though, it's remembering our anniversaries, our birthdays, our special days...that always gets me!

Anyway, I guess I'm to the last part of my "how we met" saga. After gently chiding my future husband on his belief that he could restrain himself in the face of my ultimate sex appeal :-p, Kevin made the trip down to see me again just after Christmas of 1997. I made sure we had almost NO moments alone. I had kids from my youth group over to sleep over and hang out at ALL hours of the night. He even came to my improv show with Rubber Chicken on New Year's Eve and we had just a blast.

We had SUCH a good time, I realized how much I really DID love him and how comfortable I was with him again. So much so that...well, I was the big flirt and tease that got things started again. There we were, alone after 3 days of constant company and I decide (after telling HIM that HE won't be able to be good) to walk around in a half shirt and short-shorts. Needless to say, this evolved into a makeout session pretty quickly, but one I was FULLY ready for.

Things were going quite swimmingly when Kev pulled away, muttering, "Oh, damn, honey, I promised I wouln't DO this..."

My first thought and words (which was a bit muddled, what with my shirt half up and my senses reeling) was "And you're keeping this promise NOW????" Then, as I started to calm down, I was less exasperated and more bewildered. I repeated the question and he shrugged helplessly at me.

"Well, of course, hon, I LOVE you. How could I do otherwise?" he asked, as if throwing one's passion into reverse while it's doing 90 on the highway is an easy thing to do.

But suddenly, I realized that the real shocker was my OWN attitude. I had done so many things that I thought were wrong (which I now realize were wrong in comparision to what women of the 40's and 50's considered right, not modern day standards) that I no longer thought I was worth keeping a promise to. Before I knew it, I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. He scooped me up and rocked me like a baby, saying, "Oh, hon, if you could only see what I see in you, you'd never worry about anything with us again."

When I could finally see him clearly again, I looked up into his eyes and said "I love you" and found that for the first time, I was able to say it and not turn away, embarrassed or feel guilty. I felt a wave of relief wash over me that was truly unbelievable. It was as if Kevin had merely been away on a long trip and had finally come home, instead of my committing to a real relationship with him for the first time.

Anyway, he went back home in January of '98 and returned a month later and we've been together ever since. We officially tied the knot on July 17, 1999, but as you can see, it's been quite the love thang! ;-)

My Anniversary Part 2

We went to the Red Coach Inn in Niagara Falls for dinner Saturday (our 5 year anniversary). The food and wine were great and the evening was shagadelic! ;-) But I should finish up this story...

Okay, so Kevin and I had our horrible first meeting, which ended with him going home to New York bummed out and me staying where I was bummed out. I had left him under the impression that he just wasn't attractive to me, which wasn't the problem at all. I was just too afraid to be involved again seriously, so any little fault I could find, I mentioned it. REally, a full on relationship was just too scary for me. I had broken up with a lot of people that I should never have gotten involved with, but it hadn't changed the fact that each time, I had to make some guy VERY upset, usually enough to make me feel awful for weeks at a time (especially sinces some of them reall went out of their way to make me feel worse when they saw me in public!).

After this one, I was pretty sure that was going to be it for any sort of relationships.

Unfortunately, by this time, I had really gotten used to coming home from work to talk to Kevin online. Suddenly, that was completely gone and my life felt a LOT emptier because of it. By the middle of September, I was missing him terribly and wanted to talk with him, but was afraid of the guilt trip I was sure he was going to give me if I tried. I was still ready to take the chance, though, so I started playing Terris and unblocking my instant messages. Eventually, he talked to me and was TOTALLY cool about everything. He said he was missing our friendship, too, and wouldn't mind staying friends, so long as if I DID find another guy, I didn't tell him about it. I had NO intentions of putting myself through the emotional wringer again, so that was cool with me.

We decided to do what my dad had said and take the time to get to know each other in person. So, I came up to Buffalo for the few days before Thanksgiving of 1997. We met up in Toronto (which is only a few hours from Buffalo) and had this AMAZING weekend! We had dinner with his brother's family, we hung out and had dinner with his friends (some of whom were my friends, too from Terris). While we were in Toronto, he took me to see Phantom of the Opera, we had dinner on this boat on the edge of Lake Erie, we had a hotel room a good 25 stories above the city and it SNOWED, something I hadn't seen in nearly 10 years by that point. I cried like a baby at the flakes and he held me by the window...

Oh, right, we were SUPPOSED to be acting like just friends...!

Friends who are girls, by the way, do not buy lingerie and sleep in it in a romantic hotel room with friends who are boys. This is part of the weird "yes, I want to impress him with my sexiness and feel all tingly, but I don't think I want the guilt that accompanies it" attitude that I have developed after years with other guys and years of being a school reject. So, even though this weekend went well, I still left feeling nervous about being near him. All the sexual tenison for someone like me who'd never done it (and waited until marriage TO do it) was just too much. When I got home, I decided that if this is what guy/girl relationships were all about, I was going to be single forever.

The cool thing about Kevin is that he KNEW something was wrong and, unlike most guys, he actually called me to ask what was wrong. "I know this didn't work out for some reason, so I'm just gonna list all the things we did that could have upset you and you just tell me which one it is. Is it when we hung out with my friends?"

"No," I told him, "that was actually fun."

"Was it when we went to see the Phantom?" And he continued like that until he finally hit the one part that had really done it. "Was it when we were intimate with each other, the kissing and hugging and all that?"

I didn't want him to feel bad, but I had to be honest. "Welllll..." I faltered.

And then he started LAUGHING at me! I was a little shocked, but he finally said, "Oh, hon, if you only knew how small a part of our relationship that is to me, you wouldn't even worry. Look, I want to come visit you for New Year's and I promise, the entire time we're together, that I won't touch you. I'll sleep in the other room, you can have people around all night and all day if you want to keep things light, but I will NOT lay a hand on you, not even if you ask me to."

At that point, I laughed at HIM. "Hey, I know how hard it is for guys to make a promise like that, so I'll understand if you have trouble keeping your end of the bargain. Girls don't have that problem, though, so I'll be fine, trust me!"

Okay, I'll tell you the end later...gotta get to bed!

My anniversary

In honor of our 5th anniversary this Saturday, I'm finally recapping how Kevin and I met (in PARTS, 'cause this takes a WHILE!).

We actually met online, but not in a chat room. One of my students moved away back in about November of 1996 and he wanted to stay in contact with me. Unfortunately, his parents didn't like IMs, but they liked me, so he showed me a game called Terris, which is a multiuser game a lot like D&D online. You have a character you play and you talk with other people from all over while trying to do quests, earn points, etc. This kid and I played this game together while he talked about problems he was having in school and we worked out his major agression problems that way.

Meanwhile, I started playing the game on my own when he wasn't about and fed my latent Dungeons & Dragons need. I kept earning more levels and meeting more people. It's all text based, so you have to imagine you're an elf or a ranger or whatever going around killing dragons and such, but the best part for me was roleplaying the character I'd created (and since I love acting, I played it up quite a bit)! I figured since I never really got the chance to play and enjoy in high school, I could play in the privacy of my own apartment and not get laughed at! Kevin was actually a friend of a friend in this game that I started to hang out with in about February of 1997 more because he was really good at roleplay, too. Whereas most people would just say hi and use a few of the same old emotes like "_____ waves at you" or "______ laughs heartily", Kevin did what I did and added interesting details to what he said. I remember the way I used to greet every person was with "Naomi flutters up and hovers to peer curiously in your face" (played a sprite, obviously), which at most, had people replying that they pretended to sneeze or brush her away. Kevin replied with "Turlock holds perfectly still, making no sudden moves that would alarm the little sprite as she inspects him." I was amazed that any guy would put that kind of effort in being kind and gentle. We hooked up to adventure almost immediately. He was playing a Highlander type, a big gentle warrior with a big sword and I played a little sprite, constantly in trouble and needing help, even as she thinks she's protecting HIM!

Eventually, we just kept playing until finally, in the game, we let our characters get married. That's when we started to talk in IMs, too. We got married because it seemed like the story of Naomi and Turlock dictated that, but he and I were just two friends who were impressed with each other's writing ability. I was doing improv comedy and teaching just outside of Dallas, TX at the time while he was working at a post office just outside of Buffalo, NY (hope the football team irony isn't lost upon you!). We had a ball talking online and hanging out with our friends in Terris and just making up stories about our characters to play out, so much so that I started to look forward to coming home and getting online with him.

Once summer came, we were really starting to toy with the idea that we might be in love. I had to go away for a month to be an RA for gifted kids taking college courses, so we finally decided we could try talking on the phone, since neither of us could stand to not talk for that long with the other. I told him he could call and if he got stuck for words, he could just say "I have no idea what to say," which would make us both start laughing and talking about how silly we were. The first words I ever heard him say verbally were just that. We cracked up and proceeded to rack up phone bills for the next 2 months that were the equivalent of 4 plane tickets!

Once we figured out it would be cheaper just to meet, he flew down in August '97, just a few days before school started for me. It was a DISASTER! The first day and a half was just us adoring each other, but then I took him to meet my parents, who immediately stressed their concerns, which was to be expected. He actually told them he'dve wondered what kind of parents I had if the WEREN'T worried. I think my dad thought this guy was okay, because he's the one that said the words that ruined everything, "Take your time and get to know each other. Lots of people have met at a distance like this, but now you need to spend the time getting to know one another in person. Don't try and push yourselves into a place you're feeling yet."

I suddenly realized I had declared love for a man I didn't physically know from Adam and got terrified. I told him I wasn't sure about us while we were out eating (to this day, he cringes at the sight of a Boston Market), then told him I was sure I WASN'T in love on the way home, and we both broke down with another day and a half left of his visit.

Okay, let me leave you with this much and write the rest later...this is a LONG story! ;-)

Family

I'm finding that I don't have the strength or patience for extended family gathering, whether they be my side or Kevin's. I lived my entire life with the same 3 people (Mom, Dad & my brother). So, when I hook up with the larger family (not including Kevin), I find myself having to be "on" again, something I can only keep up for a few hours before I need shelter from the storm of mind games, pity parties and everything else that attacks me, the oldest, the friendly one, the funny one. It's not even specific to his side of the family, it's mine, too, which is weird. I'm the one who loves to talk and interact, yet these gatherings (if they last longer than 2 or 3 hours) inevitably have me feeling slightly in shock and much in need of a hug or a good cry.

For example, I had a great Saturday with my sisters-in-law, then suddenly broke down into HYSTERICAL tears when I got home to Kevin...I was HORRIBLY homesick all the sudden, so bad I couldn't breathe or do anything without coughing out more tears! And today was my hubby aunt's birthday and her sisters were there. His one aunt (one we love who stood in for his mother at our wedding) kept alternating between anger and pleading to get us to talk to her sister (his mom), causing me to nearly burst out into tears AGAIN right there. Meanwhile, his mother (whom we will NOT speak to until she's able to tell us she can be a grandmother to our children) goes and whines about how we should come talk to her, but deliberately walks up to talk to another family member she hates JUST because I was talking to her and she wanted to make sure I knew she was ignoring ME! All this at a 90th birthday for another sister who we truly wanted to honor!

So, two big sobbing fits in as many days. This is bad mojo for a tomboy and usually means my period's on it's way, which it is, but also has its roots in basic facts. I know Saturday's tears were because I had so MUCH fun with my sisters-in-law that I remembered how great it was when I was home with just my mom, dad, brother and husband in the cool, calm, wide open spaces of our home in Dallas. Today's tears were brought on by that family stress I'm growing less and less tolerant of. It's not age alone that's doing this to me...I don't think family strife got to me before because I wasn't involved and didn't even understand the social dynamics aspect of it when I WAS involved (or overheard it). Now that I know what's going on, it's harder to deal with, almost like Christmas. Once you understand what's really underneath it all, you get more and more cynical and you find it harder to stay upbeat and willing to participate.

I'm seeing why my father moved away from HIS family now...all those people and all that interaction can REALLY wear on you when you're not used to it.